These people we call family

As I look upon pictures of my family old and new, I can't believe how lucky I am. I'm talking about my whole family, not just the wonderful one I started. I really do love those guys! We have had our drama and problems like any other.....sometimes I think even more so. I am proud of who we have become and the legacy we have started. We have been able to pull through some rough times when called upon to do so. We have banned together and put aside our issues when someone needed us the most. It could almost be considered heroic. (You'd have to understand my family) I don't even think some of us realize we did it! As a family, I believe we should stick together. Accept who each of us are as a person and just love the hell out of each other. This is who and all we have, we need to cherish every minute of it. Like I said before...... history hasn't been kind to us, but it's exactly that...... history! I'm not saying to forget but I am saying to forgive. It will be alright. We have already made it through the hardest part, being in the same room together for any given period of time. That goes for everywhere in the world. Even as I sit here writing this, relationships are being mended. It's a beautiful thing. I am so proud of my family right now. Please don't harbor and hold things inside, it's not good for the soul. It's not good for the heart or the mind. Set them free and watch them fly. We will do it together because we are family, we need each other now and when the times get rough. I know we can do it!

Poem: What a lovely place to dream

What a lovely place to dream

Sitting by a stream, thinking of a dream I'd love to come true. Sitting on a log watching the rippling water flowing downstream to maybe another distant dreamer. I see a leaf floating by, conquering all the curves and bumps that the water has to offer. The sun shining through the trees, playing tricks on the mirror like water. The rays of light maybe sent by god warming my face as I think. What could be a better than this? I watch as a family of ants march across the stream using a stick as a bridge. Carrying their food to where ever it is they live. Carefully, they walk with their loads on their backs going over and around the land. A butterfly breezes by with the gentle wind showing a flash of color. How beautiful it floats through my dream. It lands right beside me perhaps to say hi and take in all the beauty of the time. I move to touch the water and watch as it curves around me. I feel the coolness against my warm skin and think about how lovely this is. What could be more perfect than this moment? Only if everyone could find a place like this to dream.
Sitting by an ocean thinking of a dream I'd like to come true. Sitting on the jetty seeing the vastness of the water and watching the waves crash against the granite rocks. I feel the whispers of the salty water as it kisses my body. The water rolls back into the ocean toward another place where someone is dreaming. The sun, a giant orange blaze, setting in the sky covering the world in colors of reds, pinks, and blue. I think, what could possibly be better than this? I watch as a shrimp boat raises it's nets for the day and slowly drifts back home to port. The wind giving it a small tug as it blows all around and through my hair. I capture a glance of a dolphin coming up through the chopping waters. His grey skin shining in the sunset. Perhaps catching a glimpse of the beautiful world surrounding him. I close my eyes and smell the salty air and my soul is immediately calmed. I could stay in this exact moment for the rest of my life and be in heaven. What could be more perfect than this? Maybe sharing my dream with the world.

Poem: A Good Day

A Good Day

A clear mind, a clean shirt, a cool breeze. It's a good day. A sunny sky, a happy smile, a cheerful laugh and mommy I love you. The worry has ceased for now. Great tunes blasting, a pen and paper in hand, a big cushioned pillow. Relaxation is setting in. I'm free to wander where I will. No distractions, no illusions, no baggage to carry. No cleaning, no cooking, no chores whatsoever. I've got food in my fridge, a dollar in my pocket, and all the bills are paid. What more could I want! The love of a husband, the trust of my boys, my family, my friends shine through. It's been a good day. I'm not sure what the days to come will hold, but I will make it through with the memories and the promise of another good day.

A lesson hopefully learned

A friend emailed me today and told me a story about a family that just moved in next door to her. She explained that both the parents have been laid off and they have an 18 month old son to take care of. The only person in the household currently working is a sister who lives with them, she has an infant daughter. Neither the 18 mth. old or the infant have properly fitting clothes or toys to play with. My friend told me this story because she knows I have a 3yr. old and that I would love to help this family. So, I went through the process of cleaning out my little mans drawers and closet (a chore that was way overdue) and came across some clothes to donate. Next, I sat my little man down and told him the same story my friend told me. I cut out a lot of the grown up details he wouldn't understand, of coarse. This is how the conversation went, ''William, how do you think we can help this little boy?".......W: " I don't know momma"....." Do you remember mommy saying that the little boy doesn't have any toys to play with?".....W:"Yes."......."Both Lane and Yourself have so many toys to play with, right?"......W: "Yes."......" I think it's important that we help this little boy and share something with him that we don't need anymore. Is there something that we could give this little boy to make him happy?".....W: "Yes, Lane!"......."Well, we can't give your brother to him. Lane stays here with us. I was asking if there was a toy that we could give this little boy to help him?".......W: "Why?"........"The little boys mommy and daddy can't buy him toys, they don't have enough dollars to buy toys for him.( he understands all about money) We are able to buy toys for you ,so It's important to help others when we can. Do you understand?"......W: "Yes."........"What toy can we give to this little boy to help him and make him happy?".......W:" I don't know, maybe Lane."........"Honey, we can't give him your brother. Do you want to help out this little boy who doesn't have any toys to play with?".......W:"Yes, I want to help little boy."........."OK, do you want me to pick out a toy?"......W:"No, I pick out Lane's toy."......"Well, we need to pick out a toy that both of you play with. "........W: "Why momma?" (By this time, I was having major regrets about this conversation) "Lane is a baby and he can't tell us if he wants to give this toy away or not. So, we pick out a toy that both of you play with to be fair.".......W:"OK momma, we help out the little boy."( he picks up a baby toy, sheesh!)W:" Is this good?"........"Yes baby, lets go put it in the box to send to him. I am so proud of you!"(we give each other a high five) I TRULY don't believe I went about this lesson in giving to others very well at all, but somehow he understood the message I was trying to send. I know I've got a long way to go in raising compassionate, giving, non selfish children, but at this point I can only hope to plant that seed.

Poem: Awakening

I wrote this poem in 2005


I sit in the grass still crunchy and brown from winters past freeze. As I look toward the setting sun, it casts soft pink light that coats the landscape. Warmth radiates from the orange blaze that is peeking above the trees. I close my eyes and feel the breathe of wind gently stir my hair and caress my skin. My mind is clear and I concentrate on my surroundings. The rustling of the trees fill my ears and I can hear birds singing their last song for the day. It's such a beautiful sound. I feel lucky to witness the last hours before nightfall when the earth is getting ready to slumber. This is when I choose to pray. This is when I feel closest to god. Goosebumps raise on my flesh and I know I'm no longer alone. I feel the presence of another. They sit beside me and enfold me with their silkiness. I open my eyes and realize my purpose. To live and love with every fiber of my being. To learn and experience what I can before I go. I've been given new eyes and I see the world like never before. It's more beautiful than I ever imagined. As I feel the presence take it's leave, I whisper "Thank you". Soft silkiness still envelopes me and I know I'll never really be alone. The sun, now barely peeking over the horizon has painted the sky with red and purple. I'm eternally grateful for this chance to start anew, grateful for the people in my life. I'm ready to go forward and I anticipate the coming of a new day.

Back home

Just got back from a trip visiting my in-laws in Austin, which is the town we just moved from. My hubby was off for a few days and the boys were missing there Maw Maw and Paw Paw so, we decided to go. It was a really good trip. One of the days, my husband and I managed to get away for a little while to catch lunch and a movie. Its been a LOOONNNNGGG time since I've been to a movie theater, 3 years to be exact! As a matter of fact, its been a LLLLOOOONNNNGGGG time since I went anywhere without kids in tow. We chose to eat at Wendy's. I know it's not very romantic but we went there simply because I like the place but, it's also because we don't have one where we live now. Then, we went to watch Transformers 2. It was a pretty awesome movie. This day made the whole trip worth it. Just to be able to spend some time out doing things we don't normally get to do without the kids. I really appreciate my in-laws watching my rugrats for awhile and allowing me the time. I'll need the memories of that day to get me through until I can have another one! Not to mention that they cooked some really, really good brisket for us. We had a great time but, I am definitly glad to be back in my own home tonight. Like Dorothy said,"There's no place like home".

I need to be her again

I was lying next to my oldest son rubbing his back and trying to get him to settle down for the night, just as we always do, when I really took notice of a picture next to his bed. It was a picture of me from about 8 years ago. I took a really good look at the picture and realized something. I was hot.....I really looked damn good! I don't understand why all of a sudden after so many years of thinking I was fat, that I can see I wasn't at all. After this fact sunk into my worn out brain, I also realized I'd give anything to look like that again. I need to be her again......that awesome girl with the red curls flowing down and the huge smile, the bright happy blue eyes. The eyes staring back from the picture are not the eyes I see in the bathroom mirror. Mine have this sad, exhausted look to them. I don't smile like that anymore, I can't because it makes my double chin that much more obvious. I can't wear anything close to the outfit I had on in the picture. It was my favorite outfit. My hair is not that glorious because I'm so down on myself, I don't give it the attention it deserves. I need to be her again.... she had so much confidence in her body and in herself, it radiates straight through the glass and out every corner of the frame. I don't even know what confidence is or even feels like any more for that matter. What happened? I mean....I know I was pregnant with two beautiful boys but that's not an excuse. I know I don't get out much but , it doesn't mean this should have happened. What happened to the girl in the picture? Where did she go? I need to be her again. I need to be healthy and beautiful. I need to take care of myself and break out into a smile and bear my pearly whites. I need to be fit and as fashionable as my budget will allow. How to do it? How do I turn me into her? Then, right when I was about to get all depressed and maybe even shed a tear..... I hear snoring. My oldest has fallen asleep.

Pavement- a poem

I've come upon this old dirt road. It's just as others have described it. Dusty, Rocky, and incredibley long. I've tried to avoid this road, but unmistakably I'm here. The decisions I've made have not mattered, the choices did not change a thing. Something led me here. Somehow I was destined for this path. I've been walking for a few months now. Still the same scenery around every turn, over every hill. Although there is nothing but dust surrounding me, I know there's got to be an end. There's nothing but the whisper of the wind, but soon I will hear laughter. It seems I'm the only one around, I know I'm not alone. God is walking beside me. Others before me have made it through, others after me will too. I try to smile through the tears and think of fond memories to fade my fears. I try to have some patience, I do my best to go on. Sometimes I call out for help, but I know I must accomplish this myself. I've got to replenish my soul, I've got to fill my lungs with a fresh breath. I just hope, I just pray that I will see pavement soon.

Can't believe it's Sunday

So, I went outside to check the mail after lunch today to find the mailbox empty( we typically get a lot of mail). Now, why do you think that is? HMMMM.....lets see. GRRRR! I keep forgetting that today is Sunday. I know to a normal person.... it would obviously be Sunday, especially since we just had a MAJOR holiday. I'm not normal though, at least I don't think so. I don't have a calendar hanging anywhere in sight to remind me of the day and we don't have normal work weeks. My cell phone(which I carry all the time) has a calender on the screen, but I never can remember that. My hubby( his name is Aaron) works a weird schedule.....and to me, the weekends happen on his days off.(He had to work last night and tonight.) That's when we go visiting people and run most of our errands. Plus I'm currently a stay-at-home mommy and it's pretty easy to loose track of time when you don't have to be somewhere important. I remember the days when I was running crazy to be out the door and I don't miss them. Yet, I do miss the adult interaction I received when at work. My little man (William) is 3yrs. old and use to be in Child Care which is where I use to work. He also doesn't miss the early mornings and crazy rush, but just like me....he misses the interaction. I've been trying to find things in our area to get him involved in, but I haven't had too much luck. It has to be after lunch since we can't seem to make it out the door before then! I did sign him up for a tumbling class at a gym right down the road and he LOOOVVVVEEEESSSS it. Only thing's only one hour, one day a week. It's not enough. He's turned into a crazy, fit throwing, toy stealing, aggressive mess. He even told me he wanted to go back to school. I said, "We will talk about it later". I've continued saying it. One of these days, we will actually have to talk about it. Anyways.....I am glad I eventually got a hold of myself long enough to remember the day because tomorrow is trash day. We absolutly can't forget trash day. Plus, he goes to tumbling on Mondays and if I forgot to bring I said earlier, that's all he has.

Here I am

Well, i'm all set up with nothing to about that. Its the 4th of July and i'm sitting here with two screaming kids. Husband is BBQ or fireworks.
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~Birds of a feather~