I need to be her again

I was lying next to my oldest son rubbing his back and trying to get him to settle down for the night, just as we always do, when I really took notice of a picture next to his bed. It was a picture of me from about 8 years ago. I took a really good look at the picture and realized something. I was hot.....I really looked damn good! I don't understand why all of a sudden after so many years of thinking I was fat, that I can see I wasn't at all. After this fact sunk into my worn out brain, I also realized I'd give anything to look like that again. I need to be her again......that awesome girl with the red curls flowing down and the huge smile, the bright happy blue eyes. The eyes staring back from the picture are not the eyes I see in the bathroom mirror. Mine have this sad, exhausted look to them. I don't smile like that anymore, I can't because it makes my double chin that much more obvious. I can't wear anything close to the outfit I had on in the picture. It was my favorite outfit. My hair is not that glorious because I'm so down on myself, I don't give it the attention it deserves. I need to be her again.... she had so much confidence in her body and in herself, it radiates straight through the glass and out every corner of the frame. I don't even know what confidence is or even feels like any more for that matter. What happened? I mean....I know I was pregnant with two beautiful boys but that's not an excuse. I know I don't get out much but , it doesn't mean this should have happened. What happened to the girl in the picture? Where did she go? I need to be her again. I need to be healthy and beautiful. I need to take care of myself and break out into a smile and bear my pearly whites. I need to be fit and as fashionable as my budget will allow. How to do it? How do I turn me into her? Then, right when I was about to get all depressed and maybe even shed a tear..... I hear snoring. My oldest has fallen asleep.


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